Wednesday, September 7, 2011

How do I judge thee?

Let me count the ways...

One is that you wear funny clothes.  Either they cover too much or they don't cover enough of your body.  Everybody knows that you should judge a book by its cover.  Are you trying to tell us with your hippy clothes that you're high on love?  Why'd you mess up your hair with that awful color?  No one will ever take you seriously now.

Two is that you make a mess of things.  Get your act together.  I don't care if you're a single mother, you should still be superwoman.  I don't care if you're four years-old, you should be able to sit still and be quiet for a few hours.

Three is that you're too busy for me.  I know you have 19 children and run a school, but I'm your friend and it hurts that you're not there for me when I want you to go to a concert with me.

Four is the way that you talk.  You're so shy; you need to trust me and open up.  But when you talk, don't say such stupid things--and so loudly!  If you don't keep quiet, I'll be embarrassed to hang out with you.

Five is the way that you snort when you laugh.  And you farted when we were shopping at Wal-mart and then laughed--while snorting.  What is wrong with you?  Did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby?

Six is the way that you cling to your political/religious beliefs.  Dude, you are so behind the times.  Haven't you heard?  The Right is wrong and the Left is stupid.  And G-d doesn't exist--or, if he does, he's gonna toast you for eternity.  You just can't win, so give it up.

Seven is the way that your dirty socks are on the floor again.  I never do that.  Well, not more than a couple times--a few, at most.  But I guess I should say thanks since you washed the dishes, folded the laundry, cooked dinner and took out the trash.  Still, those socks...they're just ruining our marriage.

Eight is...well, give me a minute.  Oh, I'm sure I'll think of something.


Doesn't it sound ridiculous when we hear people judging others?
You and I sound just as ridiculous when we do it.

It's almost Rosh HaShana; the beginning of a new year on the Jewish calendar.  Let's wipe the slates clean; forgive and be forgiven.  I'd like to take this chance to say that I'm very sorry for anything I've said or done to hurt anyone this year (including any offense taken at my illustrations above--I promise that there was no particular person in my mind when writing any of it).

This is an exquisite time of year and I hope we'll all make the most of it to mend relationships and free ourselves of overweight baggage.  This coming year is going to be another great adventure--pack lightly!

With love and warm wishes for joyous holidays,
Shayna